Day +68: Thoughts

And the sun came out...

It's been cold and grey the past few days. I've been missing the warmth and light of the sun, but today, I'm so happy because the skies are blue and the sun shone all day. The trees are still bare, but after a cold and menacing winter, hope springs eternal - the Cherry Blossom on the front yard is full of buds.

Sometimes, I still wonder why "this" happened to me, but I know now that, that is a useless question. During my hospital stay, I've seen children as young as three getting chemo and radiation and the elderly going through the same process I went through. I mean, what did a three-year-old do to deserve and endure such pain and suffering? I've realized that it is not the things we do or believe in that cause these things, but suffering as well as happiness are a part of life. Without both, life won't have meaning at all.

Every person's journey is different.

Home

And though you can't see, it's so hard to believe it

Sometimes you just need a little faith (All you need is a little faith)

There's an answer to your prayer

And I swear that there'll come a day

The sun will rise

It will be alright

Yesterday, my Hickman Port was taken out. I feel like "myself" again. I mean, who wants a tube inserted into their body. It feels uneasy, foreign and unnatural. Although I have to say that it saved me from a lot of painful needle pricks. Uneasy and unnatural it may seem, my port saved my life especially when I was being transfused twice a week.

I am writing this post at home. Yes, I am home.

My doctors signed my discharge papers on March 7th, Friday, and I also went through another bone-marrow biopsy for the nth time. We were required to attend a discharge class so that we'll know what to do especially that we'll be on our own once we leave the hospital. We'll be transitioning to outpatient. 

Excited as I may to finally go home, it was also hard to leave all the wonderful doctors and nurses who have cared for me and who always wore a smile to cheer me up. I do hope they know that I am thankful and I appreciate all they do.

Physically, I feel ok. I get tired easily. Eating is still a challenge. I've also have a hard time sleeping. I have to avoid sun exposure between 10 AM - 4 PM and should wear sunblock when I'm out. I suffer from dry mouth all the time, and my doctor said it's caused by chemo combined with all the meds I'm taking. I do have a rash that appeared on my right cheek. My doctor thinks it's a combination of dermatitis and mild graft-vs-host, so we'll just have to be vigilant and watch it.

I am slowly easing into my home life. Funny but I have sort of forgotten where things are. It's a struggle to even remember where I've put my ring, my phone, my bath towel etc. I even struggle at times to find certain words to say. Could this be chemo brain?

Most of the time, you can find me playing with washi tapes, papers and labels.  I just revived or reopened my Etsy Shop so crafting is keeping my busy.

Overcomer

Time flies! I can't believe it's March already.

I know a lot of things have changed.  Pre-transplant, I thought that was "it". You know, the "end." Now, I could see hope and future. It may be premature to say such things since I am only on Day +52, but I am feeling a lot better physically and emotionally. Of course there are days my fears swallow me and send me to depression, but I try my best to fight back.

This Friday, March 7, is a big day. I will have a bone-marrow biopsy and have my hickman port removed. I am both nervous and excited about going home. I will truly miss my doctors and nurses on the fourth floor, as my care will be transferred to my primary oncologist. I won't be on a 24-hour watch anymore, so this will take some adjustments when I'll get settled at home.

I used to be better with words, but these days words fail me and I'm better at bottling my thoughts inside. I don't know if it's the fear of opening or being misunderstood. I guess I'll have to sit tight and wait for words to flow naturally once again.

And to anyone who is going through the toughest times of their lives, this song is for you.