It's 3:22 AM and I can't sleep.
Yesterday, my coworkers and I had our holiday lunch, and it really bothered me because I had to say goodbye to my immediate boss; she's going on vacation and my last day of work would be on the 23rd. I think what really scares me is the uncertainty of what lies ahead. There's no way of knowing what will happen next. My hope is to get cured, pick up where I left off and get on with my life but sometimes the "what ifs" get the better part of me.
The holidays approaching makes everything harder too. It's so hard to get into the Christmas spirit with the twice a week transfusions. People keep saying that I should try to look at the positive side, but I kid you not, it's easier said than done. I sometimes wonder how a rare disease chooses its victims. There's that person who smoked since he was 17 and doesn't get sick a day in his life, maybe a cold here and there but that's it. Here I am, I don't smoke or drink, yet I am in the sickest phase in my life. It's really UNFAIR.
Today, I will be spending much of my day at the hospital. My husband and I will be attending a BMT class in the morning after my labs. Then there's the pulmonary function test and EKG in the afternoon. These are all test preparations for the BMT.
I am getting tired of these hospital trips.
It's now 3:52 AM and I'm still not sleepy.