Waiting Still...

The search for my fully matched unrelated donor is still ongoing.  Whatever awaits on the other side, I give it all to God.

Having bone marrow failure is a solitary road. Most of the time, people I know do not understand what I go through - psychologically, emotionally and physically. Now that my journey's turning point is at hand, I am lonelier than ever. The wait for finding my match feels like an eternity, and I get fearful as my doctor mentioned that the list is winding down.

Yesterday, I got my 14th transfusion.

Not a day goes by that I think of the possibility of death, leaving my love ones behind or not making it through the treatment. Not a day goes by that I think there's a reason for this suffering. Not a day goes by that I push myself to be positive and to remain hopeful. Not a day goes by that I hope for the happiness awaiting on the other side. Not a day goes by that I dream of being healthy again. These days, even the dream of dreaming to be happy is like an obstacle course.

The other side is the place I yearn for. The other side is the opposite of where I am today. The other side is the place of cure, health and finally - a smile.

I want to smile again.